You know, when I was thinking that my tests could possibly turn up cancer, I started thinking what odd timing it was....
I can remember a time that I felt that I wouldn't live past the age of 30. It was really concrete in my mind that I would die early. Then I read in the Bible that "He who loves his life will lose it"...well, I CERTAINLY didn't love my life at that time! lol So then I started thinking I might be here forever, just to torture me!
While in the hospital, earlier this year, while trying to keep McKenna from being born too soon, my doctor talked ALOT about my blood pressure, my health problems and the likelihood that I could stroke out and die before I ever had McKenna...my prayer at that time was just to live long enough to see my baby, even if that meant seconds, I just wanted to live long enough to know that my baby was alive and going to make it. Small dreams indeed!
Lately though, I've been so hopeful...Flylady has made such a huge difference in my point of view. And the 'Getting Things Done' book (an Audible purchase!) brought the rest of my organizational problems back into line. For the first time in my life, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
In general, I would like to live long enough to, at the very least, see my grandchildren from each child. So that's a long time actually! But the ultimate would be to actually have time to get to KNOW my grandchildren as people.
But when I was sick this last time and waiting for test results, all I wanted was to be able to live long enough to have my newfound organizational skills realized. To have enough time to actually live in a non chaotic household. One that ran smoothly, not perfectly mind you, just more smoothly.
So you can see the bargaining process firsthand...if I'm sick or in danger, it suddenly comes down to just the barebones minimum of what I'd like to do...isn't that what we should always be shooting for? The small stuff makes all the difference.
I did stop to think about what I would have left behind...other than my children, not a hell of a lot! Unlike some parents, I don't take credit for the people that my children are turning out to be. They get all the credit for that. For the most part, parents are the obstacles that children have to overcome to realize their highest and true selves. Not that parents don't have some part in it, but I think, in general, parents take too much credit.
So the concept that I have no legacy that I'm leaving behind, that I haven't done enough good in the world is really bothering me lately. In a good way though...the thought is motivating me towards getting my #$% moving again towards my lifelong dream of leaving this place a better one...
With that being said, it's already 1:30 pm and I still can't find my pants...oh well, babysteps, right? ;)